Sometimes I feel guilty about how easy I have it.
I’ve never gone hungry.
I’ve not experienced the death of someone close.
I’m in good health.
I have a loving family, a good home life.
My friends have my back.
The Lord has blessed.
As a kid, I remember praying that I would go through hardships. That I would experience the hard things people go through, so I could love those people better. So I could speak of how the Lord provided for me through similar trials.I would pray that I would depend on Him for every need. I wanted to see miracles. I wanted to see God make something out of my nothing.
And He has.
But not in the way I expected or prayed for
I lean on Him to turn me from selfish to loving
I depend on Him to calm my anxious thoughts, to create in me a trusting heart
Out of my lust, anger, greed, and shame He makes love joy and peace
But I am still not hungry. And I have still never experienced true loss. I listen to people as they tell me their life, and I pain for them. I pain and I weep, though I cannot truly know what they have been through. What right have I to be so blessed? I have none. Do I not deserve to be hated?
Don’t get me wrong, I have been broken. I have cried out in anguish, and I have felt my neediness. These were internal cries though- of experiencing my own depravity. Of the evils of this world I’ve experienced little.
Sometimes I lack boldness from the shame of my inexpereince. Sometimes I feel like less of a person, like I do not deserve respect.
Surely the Lord will turn this shame into a humble boldness that speaks the truth.
Oh how I want others to experience the great and wonderful love that is Christ!
We all have pain, and we all are human. And though I cannot know everyone’s pain, the Lord Jesus does. He knows our hearts. He knows the suffering both within and without. He weeps with us, and He sets us free from it. He is the hope of redemption- the redemption of ourselves and of this world.
I don’t know about you, but I just can’t accept that things are how they’re supposed to be. Even I, spoiled rotten Ruthie, see relationships in turmoil. I see hypocrisy, selfishness and greed. I see death and sickness. I just want God to have His way and make things new, me new- to restore everything to what it is meant to be.
And this I beleive He will do, because I’ve seen Him work.